A Chennai “Swift Record of Records” Experience

<Statutory  Long Post Warning !>
[slickr-flickr tag=”swiftgwr”  items=”38” ]
The Pre-Experience:

I signed up for the Swift “Record of Records” event the day it was announced on the net. I even sent the links to people I know who owned Swifts. I was biting my nails waiting to find out the location and the timing to make sure I wouldn’t miss it because of other commitments. I was happy to find it was for Sunday morning at a time when I was sure I could make it. I got my Father also interested to come. I was very happy to get the courier on Saturday afternoon with the details of the venue and the time. No mention of needing to reach at a specific time and no mention of what is to be done there. I felt the listing of goodies to be given was probably not required. I would have gone there without the goodies as well. Also wished more details of the actual record were mentioned.

The Start:

We started out at 6.45 sharp – I get my habit of being punctual from my father and both of us were bathed and dressed by 6.30. Car was fueled up the previous evening itself and tire air pressure checked as well. We decided to take the Poonamalee High road to NH7 and as soon as we neared the Koyambedu junction we started noticing Swifts which we felt were on their way to the event. One orange car had a really nice body kit, 17 inch alloys, graphics with angel eyes headlamps, free-flow exhaust and multiple spoilers. Others had just graphics while others had alloys. The orange car with the body kit was driving at a moderate pace and driving carefully. There were a lot of swifts that darted between traffic like they were in a big rush to reach MMSC(Madras Motor Sports Club) track. Time was not even 7.10 AM.  A red swift with 4 youngsters with angel eye headlamps  and alloys was in a big rush. Strangely I was in a good mood and let all the “racers” go ahead. I was doing a sedate 70-80 when compared to everyone else.

On reaching:

We reached MMSC by around 7.30 ( there were uniformed guards outside the entrance guiding cars in) and found ourselves to be car #127 based on the number suck on the top right corner of the windshield by some guys in White t-shirts with Swift written on it. Wow 126 people beat us to Sriperumbudur. We saw two long rows of cars parked in the parking lot/field. We parked where we were told by the white t-shirts.  A steady flow of cars were coming in. After we parked – there was no one to tell us what to do or where to go. We see people walk to an asbestos shed and followed them. We see breakfast buffet is available there.  If we had known we would have come here and eaten – sparing my mother the hassle of getting breakfast ready before 6.30.  Still ok – we have some coffee and wait – no place to sit – just stand. No one seems to be in charge and no one seems to have an idea of what happens next. I assume we have to just wait around. Suddenly there is an announcement to all vehicle owners with numbers less than 200 to be near their cars. We foot it back to the car – a good 300- 400 meters back. It is bright and sunny at 8 and already I am sweating like an animal. I was expecting further announcements but there were none.

Waiting:

We wait near the car for a bit and don’t know what to expect. We see some cars parked in a line waiting to be let on the track. Since there was no one to guide the participants – people started getting in their cars and getting in line behind the initial line of cars. The event management team is nowhere to be seen – only some people doing the initial number writing and asking people to park in the parking lot. Cars started creating new lines in addition to the initial line. Few white t-shirts suddenly turn up and try to merge 5 lanes of cars into one going to the track. They are calling up each other on mobiles – very clear that they themselves were not sure what to do.

Finally we start moving towards the track on a small approach road that could accommodate one vehicle at a time. It took so much time that my father had time to go to the rest room and come back and I had moved only a few feet. There were some boys with rags and cleaning solution wiping windshields of cars heading to the track.

Some balloons were tied to the wipers but they started bursting soon with the heat. A lot of cars were seen stacked 4 wide on the track. The JK Tyre folks were the first ones walking around giving service discount coupons while we were waiting to get to the track on the service road leading from the entrance to the track.

We finally were allowed to get on the track and park. People had no idea how long it would take and what we were waiting for. This was probably around 8.40 something. Didn’t feel like getting out of the car either so sat for a while. Then noticed white swift t-shirt wearing people walking around handing out large envelopes to each car. We get one too and find they are stickers for the car. We also get some forms to fill for using the track and allowing Maruti/MMSC and everyone else from being held responsible for anything that could happen on track. There are other things to fill which will get us a fuel card and amusement park tickets. A sheet of instructions was also given. A small Adidas red and black bag with Maruti Swift on it was also given. The bag had a lot of the goodies like a t-shirt( unfortunately M size – I have to wait for my son to grow up to probably 14/15 – no one else at my home will fit into it), cap, JK Tyres tubeless tire repair kit, couple of key chains, towel, pens, tissues. Wow so far so good.

 

We sweat and sit for at-least an hour while stickers are put on the cars. I had brought my camera with me and took photos whenever I could. Unfortunately while taking the photos I didn’t notice the “www.swift-life.com” sticker was being put off center at the front of the car. It was too late when I noticed. The huge white “SWIFT” sticker on the roof was nice but didn’t  account for the curve of the roof and ended up being put in a way that is slightly off in alignment. Before I know it JK Tyre & Suryan FM stickers were also on the car. All this stickering work could have been avoided and instead spent on a good briefing for the participants regarding the event.

There was music playing loudly on the track and a lot of stalls with games seemed to be there. However since there was no announcement as to what the plan was – most people were in or around their cars. Only a few people/children went and played. I managed go get a bottle of water and bottle of Nimbooz – we had brought 2 bottles of water but they were already getting warm in the heat. I took photos of the car all decked out with stickers. Small thought goes through my mind wondering how difficult it would be to get rid of the stickers and the gum that gets left behind. I read the list of instructions given regarding the parade and find that the speed limit should be kept around 20 kmph and max gear to be 3rd. No overtaking no honking, no listening to music, no taking photos and no drinking, seat belts to be worn at all times. I was impressed by the rules. Didn’t think for a moment about if people would observe these rules.

Finally past 10 we see the start of the parade move. Still no announcements – I manage to get a photo of the starting set of cars and then rush into my car. Some people have left their cars and are at the stalls and do not know the parade has started. So it takes time for all to start moving. I get to a place where there is a video camera mounted on a huge swing arm that’s being moved all over taking photos of the participants.

The Parade Starts:

I see the lady from Guinness talking to a couple of guys who seemed to be the organizers.  4 lanes of cars were being merged into 2 lanes at the exits from the pits. I manage to shoot some more photos before handing the camera to my father to take some photos while I start to drive.  We hear snatches of instructions while we drive past the starting point – mainly hear instructions about keeping the driver side window open for hearing instructions. I dutifully open the window – AC becomes pointless now so open both front windows and have the blower going on.

One old dude with a funny mop like haircut feels he has to honk when the cars start moving and he keeps repeating the honking at intervals.

We notice there is one guy on a bike before the first corner to the side of the road doing nothing and around C3 there is one more guy on a bike and another on foot who are half heartedly yelling out to cars that they shouldn’t  stop but to keep moving. They do not look past where they stand where we have to slow down to a stop since the cars in front are not moving and we can see the cars all the way from between C3-C4 all the way to C8. We can see that those cars are not moving – there is no way we can move without breaking formation. We don’t move out of formation but inch along when the vehicles in front move ahead. The people who we saw yelling out don’t stop were the last ones for the entire track – we didn’t see anyone else anywhere on the track.

Chaos Theory:

Till around C4 (4th corner) two rows of vehicles were moving beautifully maintaining speed and keeping distance. However as soon as we near the farthest end of the track from the pavilion we suddenly notice a couple of cars zoom through the middle of the two rows of vehicles and soon enough behind it others started  following.  These were definitely not maintaining speed, not maintaining formation nor driving carefully. All had their windows up as well.  Most didn’t have stickers applied or had numbers higher than 500.

The order began to turn into disorder at that point .People broke all formation and generally went for it zooming and racing all over the track.  I kept going at 20 for a bit then had to speed up to 30 to make sure I was not going to get hit by other vehicles. I didn’t go faster than that. Little past C10 we notice vehicles slow down quickly and come to a halt.  I do so as well and creep towards C11. There are 4 lanes at this point on the track and two sets of drivers driving on the grass/mud on both the sides of the track. We stop at this point for quite a while without making any progress.

Finally we reach a place past C11 where we can see C12 and the start of the track. Nothing is moving and we cannot tell why. Suddenly we see the vehicle start moving and more rush past us on the track and off the track as well. At the starting point we are made to keep going with no instructions whatsoever.  We pass C1,C2 and again the madness repeats. This time I felt it was worse since people were speeding much more than the first time. I stuck to the rightmost edge of the track and kept going hoping I wouldn’t get hit. I saw a couple of cars smack into each other – didn’t get to see how bad the damage was since I was too busy making sure I wasn’t going to get hit.

I had a very narrow miss when a Azure Grey Swift cut across my front leaving less than a meter to spare – he didn’t even notice my car while he cut across a corner ( I think it was C10) diagonally.

There was a bit when we were stopped near C11 where it was too far to walk to the start where all the people in the cars there had no idea what was going on at the start which was preventing the movement of vehicles.  People that heard the briefing about the windows being kept open had the windows open for quite a while but the heat at around 11 AM made it hard to sit without the AC and without any shade. Soon people were out of the cars and walking around outside.  Still smart alecs were driving off the tracks – wheels spinning and throwing up clouds of dust trying to get to the starting point – narrowly missing the people walking outside their cars.

Initially I thought we were at a position somewhere near the first quarter of the length of the parade but by the end of the second lap I realized I was in the last 2 quarters since most had overtaken us. By around 12.15 we were in the last quarter of the line.

We waited in the car for long time and couldn’t see any movement of the vehicles near the starting arch exiting the track. Some enterprising people moved aside the asbestos sheets and drove on the grass towards the pit lane since they got tired of waiting for the cars to move. Soon I realize there are very few cars behind me.  I also notice an exit gate has been opened that leads to the entrance and to the highway and people are leaving that way. I even saw an I10 come in through that gate.

The End:

We saw some people (official looking types – not sure if they were from Maruti or from MMSC) walk from the starting arch towards the side gate and while they walked past they said you can leave this way – take a u-turn and leave.  Some people including myself decided enough was enough and we backed up a bit , did a u-turn and drove off the track to the side gate. Strangely the people were giving out the fuel card and amusement park coupons there at the exit. Nothing was being collected from the cars (none of the cards we had filled were collected).  I grabbed what they were handing out and started off to the highway. Since it was already 12:45 we decided to stop for lunch at the hotel past Queensland and then head home. Finally reached home a bit before 3 PM.

In Hindsight Notes & thoughts of what could have been done better:

  • Who was responsible for the event ? Sponsorships are fine but there has to be one party owning such events and being responsible for them start to finish. No one dared own up for the fiasco – no one was to be seen managing or coordinating things.
  • Gaps in communication:
    • The initial details about the event gave a time saying 8.30-11.30.  Mistake one – this communication could have the detailed agenda mentioned to ensure people showed up on time.
    • A briefing of the volunteers should have been done. Also for 500+ participants probably at-least 2 volunteers for every fifty cars was required.
    • A briefing of all the drivers was required at the start. People who didn’t make it on time and didn’t get the briefing should not have been let on the track. Just the knowledge of what the rules of the event were and the fact that violation of the rules would result in the whole event not qualifying should have been mentioned. There should have been explicit instructions on “No Racing”.  If there was a problem with briefing all participants  at the same time– it could be done in batches of 50 each.
    • Most people who showed up (myself included) didn’t realize the record being attempted was the parade record and not the largest number per se that showed up. The sheet with instructions indicated they had planned for a max of 500 odd vehicles – but seeing what happened I feel even with half/quarter the number the organizers would be stumped.
    • Suryan FM one of the sponsors of the event could have made use of their FM channel by relaying instructions live over the air – this would have ensured all vehicles were synched up on instruction without any gaps. They instead were playing random music /some interviews of people at the event – I felt it was interviews of people still waiting to get on track.
  • A pace car/cars were required and volunteers should have been placed all around the track. Yes it was hot and would have been torture to stand in the sun but that’s nothing a good umbrella and sunglasses couldn’t remedy.
  • No signs of any ambulance or medical assistance /emergency breakdown/tow vehicle.  There were breakdowns we heard and people somehow managed to set things right on their own. I would be surprised if no one required some sort of medical assistance during the event. On a minimum there should have a doctor and ambulance on hand for any emergencies – people should also know what to do if there was an emergency of any sort – medical or mechanical.
  • There was absolutely no police presence!!! Whenever there are large crowds gathering – it definitely makes a difference to have police presence.  Of course this is on private property – but it is a public event – a request to the police and they would be there in full force. This could have prevented ugly fights from breaking out and also prevented petty theft from happening as well. I saw some youngsters break the binds on the stacks of tires near C11 and load up their car with at least 2 tires. What they can do with old tires is not sure – but they still stole it. I couldn’t see their car so don’t have the number plate.
  • The stickering work done all around the car could have been avoided – saved the expenses and spent it on communication of details of the event and probably saved hours of time.
  • Coupons for the petrol/diesel & amusement park could have been given at the beginning / it could have been communicated that coupons would be mailed to people if there was a delay.
  • There didn’t seem to be any media coverage of the event by mainstream media? Why? Finally the only mention in major papers was abou the Gurgaon event.

All in all I wish it had been managed better and that the crowd had also behaved better. We could have been part of a Guinness World Record – but I guess that was not meant to happen.

Swift and Fabia separated at birth (I mean design) ?


Were the Swift and Fabia – separated at birth or whatever back of envelope drawing that first conceived their deisgn ? I have always felt there are way too many similarities in the design of the Swift and the Fabia. Have not had a chance to drive the Fabia but got a chance to park next to one and sneak a few photos off my mobile :-).

Swift and FabiaSwift & Fabia
(Please click on the thumbnails for larger versions)
Design Similarities:
  • Overall silhouette with tapering roof
  • Glass house area tapering towards C-pillar
  • Blacked out A pillar
  • Bonnet line joining base of A pillar
  • Other than the front grilles the bonnet outline is very similar
Design Differences:
  • The Fabia is narrower by a little bit but longer than the Swift resulting in a longer rear door that doesnt taper as much.
  • The Swift is a bit taller and wider while the Fabia seems lower and flatter.
  • The Swift has better curves 😉
  • Headlamps, Grille, fog lamps are the key differences up front.
  • The rear is different enough – the Swift shows its width with a portly rear.

 
Related External Link: Also A bit dated comparison  between the Getz, Swift and Fabia by BS Motoring.com.

Question: Are there other cars on the road that you think have such visual similarities ? Do let me know. I will do a series of such posts.

Will be back after a short non-commerical break !

I am taking a short break (vacation) from work (and Chennai) starting today and will be back on July 2nd.  I may be delayed replying to comments during this time as I am not planning to go near a PC.  However if I get a chance to connect to the net –  “I will be back”  :-).

Have fun and do check back for updates past July3rd.

Accident, Repairs, Ritz Test Drive & Recovery

The title just about sums up the end of my past week and my weekend.

Accident: Last Thursday on the way back home from work was trying very hard to drive without getting bugged by the many jokers/morons/imbeciles on the road. I get no further than 5 km from office, when starting off from a signal,  in my Swift get hit by another Swift !  I was in the center lane going straight, had a Tata Ace to my left and the Swift on my right.

The signal changes and I start off on the way ahead since there is no traffic ahead of me. Tata Ace also starts off to my left. There is some two wheeler in front of the Swift to my right, waiting to turn right  so he cannot go straight ! What does the Swift joker do ? Turn left suddenly without checking whats moving on his left. I hear a the screech of metal on metal and though it didn’t sound too bad I knew my car was hit.  Since there was a lot of traffic I had to take car to go straight put on my left indicator and try to move to the left. I see the Swift that hit me also come up and ahead of me and stop.  I get out of my car to see that my car is scratched from the driver side door all the way down the rear passenger door till a little before the wheel arch  :-(.  Another point – the driver at the back has to take care not the one in front – our dude doesnt know all such rules. The location of the scratches is proof enough for me – from my driver door and backwards. I didnt even see the car to my left cutting into me since he was behind me and in my blind spot – but I was very clear – I was going straight and was in my lane.

Swift Accident
Scratches on Swift. Me and the Swift at the service center.

The guy driving the other car has come to my car by then and guess what – he asks me why I didn’t check before turning  in front of him !  I was pretty shocked and told him dude I was in the correct lane going straight and he was the one cutting lanes without looking.  He just didn’t want to listen.  Kept repeating that I turned in front of him and that he was in the right lane turning right and that I was turing right as well !

I go look at his car. Its hood and bonnet was covered with bird droppings and there were several dents and dings all over and the car looked like it hadnt been washed since the last rains. Its front number plate was bent in two places.  It was very obvious he was not a careful driver and more obvious that he didn’t take much care of his car.  His left mirror was folded in (probably busted already) and his bumper was hanging off its mounting brackets. The height of irritation for me was knowing that most of the dents on his car were not due to my car. Maximum there was a scratch on his bumper. I am willing to bet the bumper was already hanging loose !

I told him listen – your car has damage and so does mine – so what do you expect me to do ?  I stood there quietly for a while and said nothing (fuming inside). The guy realised he is not getting any money out of me  – he seemed more than happy to go away. I was bugged and furious that I took a photo of his number plate with my phone cam. I have the plate number with me.  What good is it for – will mention it a bit later.

I sat in the car for a bit to let my BP and heart rate come down – then resumed my journey.  Worst part was I was watching my speed before the hit while usually I have to admit I would have been speeding down that stretch ! The one day of all days I was going carefully.

Another 7 km later and within 2-3 km of where I stay I see the bird crap covered car.  All that he told me earlier about wanting to turn right was all lies. The place he was going to was totally in the direction I was going. He was in the wrong lane at that signal and cut lanes at the last minute !  I get the damage to my car !

Anyways after spending a miserable evening at home, the next day I leave the car at home and take the train to work. I schedule a service appointment for my 20K service and also to get the paint touched up. I was supposed to do a service booking but had forgotten about it till the scratches reminded me.

Repairs:

Swift Odo at 20K
Swift Odo at 20K
I was glad the service advisor wasn’t pushing me to get the whole door panels repainted and said that a touch up was enough.  Luckily there was only minor denting and nothing too drastic.  I mentioned the rattling sounds that were driving me nuts that came from the left passenger door and from the right driver door and from the hatch.  No mechanical issues. Mileage I was getting was on par with what was expected of the petrol swift. Was getting around 11.5+ when they said around 12 was normal for city driving.  I have 205 section tires so was expecting only that much.
One of my many buddies at the Service center offered to lookup the number plate of the Swift that hit me after he heard about the accidental damage  – but I told him not to bother since there was nothing further I was going to do to him anyways. I can fantasize about it but reality is that I am no goonda and dont have time to go take panga with every moron on the road.  :-(.
Yet another service advisor was intrigued and puzzled by the dog-bite mark damage on the front wheel arches. My car is being recognized as one with the bite marks by pretty much all the folks there !

Ritz VDI Diesel Test Drive:

While scheduling the service I had called up my favourite  sales person at the dealership Mr. Jayavel who had sold me my Swift and asked to schedule a TD of the Ritz diesel. I was not able to TD it the last time I had visited there with my friend who was looking to buy a new car.  Mr Jayavel knew I had no interest in buying a car but still ensured the car was there waiting for me. He even delayed a trip to a customer location to ensure I got my test drive – waiting for over one hour from the original time I had mentioned since I was stuck waiting for the service advisor to meet me and take my vehicle in for service.  That’s what I call service from a sales person who knew from the beginning that he will not make a paisa from giving me a test drive but still took the pains to arrange one for me .

For that reason alone I am doing something I haven’t done so far – If you are in Chennai or know someone in Chennai looking to buy a car (specifically a Maruti) – please do give a call to Mr Jayavel at 9841727884 and mention you heard of his service from his old customer (me).  He is part of the dealership team that is specific to handling corporate customers so be assured of professional service from him. Please note – I make no monetary benefit from mentioning his number or this – this is just my way of saying thanks !  (I refuse to mention which dealer – as I am not endorsing the dealer – please do not ask).

Ritz Diesel Experience: Only at the start was there some noise to indicate it was a diesel. After that it was super smooth and silent just like the Ritz Petrol. The clutch was as light as my own petrol Swift and the gears slotted in very very nicely with good feel just like the petrol Ritz. As I had mentioned in my comparison post the gear selector seemed better than the Swift. The steering was light and the car was easy to move through traffic. Just managed to drive it for 2-3 km as the sales person was needing to take it someplace to a customer’s home and was already late.  I didn’t get a chance to check its pickup or braking since it was in traffic but just one time I was able to floor the accelerator , the car hesitated a very little bit before picking up speed at a very fast pace after 2000 RPM bringing a wide smile to my face.  I really want a longer test drive. :-).

Recovery:

On Sunday managed to rest and recover from the shock the bill of the 20,000 Km  service gave me. Around Rs 6800 was the total amount of which 250 was for mud flaps that were changed on my request since one of them was torn after having been hit by a biker. The scratches were mostly removed by polish but the deeper gashes had to be touched up by hand. This wasn’t done very well but hides the damage for now and I do not have to worry about rust. I didn’t realize that the 20K service was this costly. Will scan the bill and put up the detailed break up in a separate post. This is the highest ever I have paid for scheduled service so far in my 2+ years of ownership.

Is your car safe – even at home ?

The blog author was the sole witness to a despicable crime this evening. The victim, in the below right photo was a long standing member of the Karupu Kaakka Kudumbam Gang (K3G).  His short devious dark life of crime was brutally ended by a rival gang member of  Nandri-illa Nais Nexus (NNNs)  – shown in an earlier file photo (left) from our archives.  

The victim was talking a leisurely post dinner walk in the garden when he was murdered in hot blood(it is still summer here remember!)  by the accused who was granted his nightly parole (from his chains for his nightly business) just a few minutes earlier. If you look closely the dead K3G is seen in the background on a high perch aiming at a poor defenseless automobile while his murderer relaxes on the foreground.

A black raven
Image via Wikipedia – RIP

Dog - Victim in background sulking.
Murder Accused relaxing - Primary Victim in background and another victim in background sulking under sheets.

Though one key gang member has been put to rest tonight the attacks  still continue and will continue on without end.  

I mention attacks on poor helpless Automobiles in their own homes.  
On a daily basis cars in India have to deal with attacks not just on the road while on the move but also at home when at rest from the following attackers: 
Kids – Cycle handle bars, bats,chalk, pens, stones, sticks etc find cars surfaces very irresistible and feel the need to produce artworks on shiny cars. Car grilles/number plates also are a good alternative to putting up stumps for playing cricket. Headlamps/tail lamps are the bails – you knock one of them out – you get a wicket !
Family Members – borrow the car and returning it all scratched up – without ever leaving the parking lot/compound !
Pets/Stray Animals/Reptiles/Rodents/Insects –  Cars are made of material found to be very comforting to these. They feel they have to be in constant touch with them, bite/pee/sit/shit on them, scratch them, get into them to prepare to meet their maker, give your reminders to ensure you to re-do the wiring system/buy new car covers/do periodic repaints/interior cleaning), clog up A/C vents to make sure you have to clean the whole system. I once have given a lift to a Frog on my Swift. It rode on my car’s A-pillar and kept peering in through the glass at me for around 2 km. It hopped off finally when a bus passed me and scared it ! (True Story – I swear)
Dog Vs Car Vs Rat
NNN Vs RR - 2008
Dog Vs Car Cover
NNN Vs RR - 2009
The photos to the left are the scars from gang fights between the Rebellious Ratberts and the NNNs in 2008. The car cover that was in the way of the fighting, suffered extensive injuries – but was given first aid and lived for a year with multiple hospital visits requiring stitches.
The other photo is from January 2009 when a repeat fight broke out between the RRRs and the NNNs. This time however the car cover had received grevious injuries and no amount of needle+thread first aid and DTR(duct tape repair) could save it.
Trees  – Coconut trees are the most dangerous – they can aim coconuts at cars even up to 20 feet away from them. Any tree that has falling fruit/twigs/branches has to have sign boards next to them warning about them and their violence against cars. Laws of nature/ gravity/ biology/ chemistry and physics are bent by trees to fling fruit/nuts/ branches/ birds at cars). If they cannot throw something then they will make sure they drip a decent sized amount of  tree sap on car parts that will be very obviously visible such as the center of the bonnet etc. (ensuring a repaint/polish is required).
Movable Objects – Gates, doors and anything that can swing, will and shall swing out and strike the closest car. Wind is not a requirement for this phenomenon. A mild sneeze will suffice. Actually a thought of sneezing will be enough.
Immovable Objects – Cars are fatally attracted towards immovable objects such as walls, pillars, posts etc at speeds so slow(tending towards zero) that just expensive paint scraping and body denting occurs. I theorize that Buildings have evolved from Trees especially coconut trees – since they also exhibit similar aim and strength of throws. The only difference is that buildings throw  pieces of concrete, bricks, tiles etc at poor unsuspecting automobiles. If they cannot throw items similar to what I mentioned they usually drip A/C water or other similar corrosive liquid on the car. Then they act like  they are just some building that can do no harm ! Balconies are the evolutionary equivalent of tree branches and are used by humans instead of birds as shooting ranges from which to practise their aim – at cars of course.
Neighbors– These people can be jealous, stupid, egotistical, insane, funny and mean all at the same time and go all out to make sure your vehicle has at least one scratch more than their 30 year old rust and rabies ridden excuses for automobiles. These are the ones that feed stray dogs/crows/beggars on your car bonnet/roof and also teach poor illiterate children to read and write on your car ! The sad part is your car is probably the cheapest vehicle money can buy – but still they could be jealous.
House Help:  People who look like they have brains in all other situations will always choose to remove them before they work near your car. Excuses such as “I didn’t know paint thinner would remove the entire coating of paint – I just thought I would remove the tree sap” become very common. Any equipment they use for cleaning the yard will invariably fly towards the car and gently remove a small layer of paint. Just a small amount enough to be visible.
Other cars/vehicles: They get amorous when they see a curvaceous beauty like a red Suzuki Swift and feel they need to get close to her and cuddle up and nuzzle against her with disastrous results. Common excuses mentioned by the drivers are things like – I forgot to put the handbrake on – we should be aware of the real reason.
Rust: Those staying near the coastline must experience new cars rusting withing weeks of purchase. No solution for them other than to keep buying new cars or to hold off on that replacement purchase till an all plastic car comes about. Invest in rust proof paint company futures. Those of you who refuse to drive your cars from time to time deserve to get a nice rust full car. At-least start it once in a while !
PS:   One of my earlier posts was 10 Reasons to leave your car at home . Even though it makes sense in some scenarios to leave your car at home, it is never advisable to leave your car at home without supervision for extended periods of time. Do check on your vehicle from time to time as it is constantly under attack.
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My Summer Fling

Oil on canvas
Image via Wikipedia

Wifey if you are reading this I’m sorry you had to find out about it like this but you gave me no other choice. I wish you had not gone away for so long as this wouldn’t have happened. Come back home soon!

Work was annoying, I was bored and needing excitement in life after my wife and son had gone to her parents place in April for a month long break. The break had extended to a two month long break. Usual methods of immersing  myself in books, movies, painting, photography and net surfing were not successful in keeping my attention.

My friend Senthil was partly responsible for getting me into trouble. He showed me the ad on the net with her details and about her needing to meet someone with similar interests and passions. The moment I saw the ad I knew I would be in trouble if I went any further. My mind was working overtime and conjuring up images of what and how she would be like. Knowing fully well what I was getting into I quickly arranged for a meeting with her the very next day. I  didn’t breathe a word of this to anyone at home nor to my wife. I spent the rest of the day at work fantasizing and dreaming about my meeting with her.

Our meeting was to be on a Sunday morning at Ispahani center. I was not ready when the call came that she was to reach Ispahani in 10 minutes. On receiving the call I was ready in 5 minutes and reached there in 5 minutes. I noticed her driving in through the gates of Ispahani center while I was waiting to turn. She was really good looking in a very dignified and uncommonly attractive way and was drawing appreciative glances from many other men as well.  I managed to find a spot next to where she parked. I gave a big smile as I got out and went towards her.

I had never seen her before but I recognized her easily since she looked exactly like I had imagined. I got a good look at her for the first time. She looked much better than the tiny images in her advert. I knew from the ad that she was older than me by around 7 years.I didn’t know her name or any other details other than that she was originally from Chennai but had spent most of her recent past in Kerala and had finally come back to Chennai around a year ago. She seemed pretty calm and relaxed and didn’t seem to have any of the jitters I had.

She was currently with a guy called “J” and had been with him for over a year. Lets call her ‘K’ as that was her first name. 41 years old with a few expected wrinkles on her face but that didn’t detract from her looks. She was in extremely good shape for her age and anyone who saw her would think she was half her age. She obviously was taking good care of J and it looked like J was still in love with her. My first shock was that J was with her that morning and he wanted to first talk before we went any further. We  introduce ourselves and J suggests we take a trip to ECR where we would get some privacy on the fairly less congested roads to get to know each other better.

I was surprised by this turn of events, since all I was thinking was I would get to check her out, get to know her quickly and do what I have been waiting to do with her in some side street and then come back home like nothing happened. I agree quickly and we start off. J me and K. Only problem we had was J trying to drive out through the ‘In’ gate and was stopped by the security staff. They didn’t make too much of a fuss as they were ogling K.  K muttered something under her breath. On the way I hear the story of how they met and how J’s father and uncle had helped him hook up with K. I was amazed… did peoples dads and uncles help like this ? Wow ! J’s uncle even helped J pick out key upgrades to K’s wardrobe and accessories. She seemed totally cool about it.

On the way J showed me a copy of the legal document indicating his relationship with K. Though it was clear they were good together, it looked like they were tired of each other and wanted a change. J seemed to be wanting to get involved with his brothers mistress who was left behind when his brother went abroad. He said this openly in front of K. She didn’t even flinch on hearing it. I thought she has seen many such guys and is no longer surprised. What a family – phew !

I heard some stories of how they came to Chennai and of how J managed to overcome initial resistance of their landlord to having her in the flat with two other guys. Other chit chat also done we reach Thiruvanmiyur bus depot and get onto ECR. I was observing K and listening to her reactions to J’s inputs and orders along the way, she would never disagree but was never subservient to him, seemingly following instructions because of some need of hers to do so.

Finally we get clear of traffic and J feels it is a good place for me to get to know K better. I get to first touch her, feel her and know how she needs to be be touched before we go further. I practise with her for a little bit before venturing any further. My previous experience so far didn’t prepare me for the shock I was in to receive. She was in reality a bit too much for me to handle, a wildcat after lambs. She really did what she felt like regardless of what I told her to do. Keeping up with her was a challenge, one I had not had in any relationship especially my most recent committed relationship of the past 2 years since April 11, 2007.

She seemed very rough and instantly seemed to make everything else before her seem so smooth and soft. The sounds she made in reaction to what I was doing was also very exciting to hear, she would protest only when I was very slow. I felt a sort of need for her that that I have to date not experienced and therefore didn’t know existed. I had to get back home so I reluctantly stopped the fun I was having and returned home alone after taking some pictures of her basking in the sun.

I hope some day to add her or someone like her as my mistress provided my wifey doesn’t object. Before our wedding I had prepared my wife about the possibility I would have one wife and many mistresses, she seemed ok then and has been ok with my current two mistresses.  Maybe 3 is too much, since the question she asks is where will the newest mistress be kept. We don’t have room at home for more than 2 mistresses she says !

Hope you enjoyed reading about my summer fling with the Kaiser Jeep (‘K’) of my friend Joe (Joseph). She is a 1968 Jeep CJ3B short chassis 4×4, RHD.  I got to drive the Jeep for a little bit around 2 weeks ago and have been smitten hard and havn’t been able to look at any other vehicle since. In case you wondered about the date in April, that’s my wedding day to my Swift ;-). Now what is my real wedding date ? Uh-oh !

Here are some pictures of  K:

PS: I thought I would be able to fool/scare my wife and sent a versionof this in email. No scare at all – I get a “LOL” email back and it says that right from the first few words she knew it was about some vehicle !

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Maruti Suzuki Invents Time Travel

To be launched one hour before now ?
To be launched one hour before now ?

I eagerly checked the Maruti Ritz Website this morning for details of the launch. Was very happy to see the counter say coming soon  “8” minutes, then “5” minutes, then “3” , then finally it went into a negative countdown with the screenshot attached with this post.  See the smug looking smiley in the middle of the time ? That’s Maruti smirking at all the suckers hitting refresh on their browser windows waiting for the launch of the Ritz.

Not sure how I can travel back in time to see the launch. Maruti – just say it you have invented a time machine called the Ritz  !

Buy these vehicles in White only if …

TATA Indica-Vista-EV
Image by SOCIALisBETTER via Flickr

If you are a cab/tourist travel /call taxi operator, these are your most favourite vehicles of business:

Call Taxi Favourites:

  • Maruti Suzuki Omni (esp the LPG version)
  • Tata Indica (Indicab version)
  • Hindustan Ambassador

Travels/ Tourist Favourites:

  • Tata Indica (Indica DLS with A/c)
  • Tata Indigo/ Indigo XL
  • Tata Sumo
  • Chevrolet Optra
  • Chevrolet Tavera
  • Ford Ikon 1.8D & Flair
  • Hindustan Ambassador (with A/C)
  • ICML Sonalika Rhino
  • Toyota Qualis
  • Toyota Innova

Possible Future Cabbie Options:  

  • Indica/ Indigo Vista (New lowest end trim just released for the Vista)
  • Hyundai Santro (New Cabbie edition is out)
  • Mahindra Xylo
  • Tata Sumo Grande
  • Maruti D’Zire

**Sad part is even if you buy them in any other color people see them as cabbie vehicles :-).

If you buy the above listed vehicles in white you have to get the following “Must Have” accessories  as well:

  • Annoyingly Loud Horns
  • Blazingly Bright Headlamps and controls to use both horn and light with just a press of the horn to flash the lights non stop and keep honking non stop
  • Terry Towel Seat Covers
  • More Horse Power than Driver IQ ratio
  • Stereo music system with more watts & bass than required
  • Pointless stickers or either the puppy peeping from under the sheet, row of dogs walking, cricket ball breaking window, keychain hanging from keyhole,Ferrari or other exotic car name/logo stickers, NOS, Sports, Racing, Rally etc.

You are eligible to drive a vehicle with the above specifications only if you meet the following must have “Driver Attributes”: 

  • Cro-magnon/Neanderthal intelligence (maximum IQ has to be atleast 20 less than vehicle Horse Power) & features
  • Cat like reflexes – to keep twitching between lanes
  • Bat like vision – to see atleast some things/vehicles on the road
  • Must not be able to hear other road users expletives. Otherwise hearing should be fine.
  • Rhinoceros Spec Skin (to ignore all the curses of all other vehicles). Buffalo spec skin is too thin.
  • Must know how to operate cell phone to keep asking cab company for directions
  • Must know how to navigate vehicle without using brakes but with only horn, lights and accelerator
  • For high end tourist/travels must be fluent in native language and butler style english if foreign customers are to be served. 
  • Be able to sleep and drive. (Work all day/night and sleep whenever a few minutes are free)
  • Be a good runner, to out run mobs on foot after sleep and drive accidents

Any essential points missed out ? Do let me know.

 

PS: The car in the photo up top is an Indica Vista EV. It has not yet been launched – but when it is launched am sure it will be done with an Indicab trim as well.

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Driving in India

Crank (film)
Image via Wikipedia

In my last post I listed the basic official rules for driving in India. Most of us drive like rules do not exist.  Here is my take on why/how some people drive the way they do in India and why the official road rules are not followed. These are tied to the road rules from my previous post. Why the “Crank” picture ? Read on to find out.

Keep Left:  Some motorists think they are in America since they “Keep Right” and hog the rightmost lane next to the median. Others are probably communist and therefore “Keep Left” and try to vehemently oppose any progress (passing) and want to involve labor unions before any passing even of vehicles is allowed.  The undecided ones keep switching from Left to Right and back and forth or just drive in the middle of the two lanes – simple.

Turning Left:  To turn into a road on the left, they stay close to the far right side of the road and make the turn only at the last minute. Making sure to cut across at least 2 lanes of traffic on a minimum. Reason :  If 3 or more lanes of traffic are cut across, it makes them instant heroes in the eyes of the local pretty damsels (ugly betties actually). After turning, they check if they can scare motorists on that road for a few minutes by driving in their lane before going back to the left side of the road.

Turning Right: When turning onto a road on the right side, they first approach the left side of the road, stop, and wait till a stream of fast moving vehicles approach. Then they show off their daredevilry by cutting across the vehicles speeding towards them. If they didn’t die from being hit by then and the vehicle is still moving, they proceed to cut across the speeding vehicles on the other side of the road. Bonus points if this is done with eyes closed in front of an interstate transport bus.

Passing:  If there is a need to pass traffic proceeding in the same direction, they always pass/overtake on whichever side has less space. Why ? Because the vehicle being passed would never think anyone would pass them there and therefore wouldn’t block the overtaking. Bonus points: Honking at the last minute when realization hits there isn’t enough space and scaring the driver of the vehicle being passed.

There is no ban on passing vehicles ever.  Danger/inconvenience to others is never thought about. All that should be thought of is getting to the destination a whole 5 minutes earlier.  If the driver behind has attempted to overtake – it means he is calling for a race. Allowing him to overtake  is the equivalent of dishonouring favorite family deities.  Proving that the vehicle being overtaken(usually grossly underpowered)  is more than a match for the vehicle attempting to overtake(usually adequately powered) and also preventing  this overtaking at any cost is mandatory. Life and limb of self and others being safe is not relevant – being able to boast of having “raced and beaten a larger and more powerful vehicle” is priceless.

The solid lines in the middle of the road mean nothing. Passing is to be done whenever felt like. Most usually after overtaking a vehicle at 80+ Kmph on hills and corners they may feel the need to slow down and stop at the left side of the road. Suddenly!  To explain this watch the movie “Crank” with Jason Statham . He is injected with a mysterious toxin which will destroy his heart and the only antidote is adrenaline leading to some hard to believe sequences.  I suspect these drivers have been injected with the same toxin and have to keep getting their heart rates as high as possible and then suddenly bring it back down again.

Right of Way: The vehicle that gets in front of traffic has the right of way. This is why all buffoons on small 25cc mopeds can cut across national highways and do a wiggle of the moped in front of high speed streams of cars and trucks. They are in front and therefore get the right of way. Every one else has to stop – they have brakes don’t they ?

Emergency Vehicles:  Fire Service Vehicles and Ambulances are to be allowed free passage only to create space just large enough for a vehicle behind them. Everyone knows that driving close behind the ambulance or fire service vehicle will cut down their commute time. Only stupid people who “do not know how to prosper” move to the side and waste such golden opportunities like some poor sod needing to be taken to the hospital by ambulance since he/she is dying.

Pedestrians:  Pedestrians at zebra crossings (and wherever they feel like crossing the road) play the roles of deer  in a hunting game. The vehicle drivers are hunters and their aim is to spot a good pedestrian at 100 feet and aim for them with the vehicle. (Will Smith in “I am Legend” chases deer in a Mustang GT). Honking repeatedly increases the thrill. Speeds should be as high as the vehicle supports. The pedestrian plays the act of the “deer in headlamps” very well. They also perform classical dance steps that they know, in the middle of the road and demonstrate their deep cultural and artistic background including sublime facial expressions of horror , fear and disgust. Don’t worry it is all an act. The younger ones can put Ussain Bolt to shame the way they dance out of trouble. Older slower pedestrians usually have to be watched out for as they do not play this game well and end up getting hurt. It is not much fun scraping pedestrians off SUV tires and bumpers.

Required Signals: The hand signals to be used are mentioned in point 13 of the rules of the road. People with air conditioned cars cannot keep opening the windows to use the hand signs so they just do not bother to use their vehicle indicators. Very few people in non- air-conditioned vehicles actually have the hands to use the hand signs.  Especially the Auto and bus drivers, these poor souls have to use other limbs to indicate their lane changes. Auto drivers without proper hands usually stick their legs out of whichever side they want to turn to. Sometimes the bus/truck drivers use their big toes pointing out of the bus windows to indicate their intention of turning. If they have fingers left on their hands, a few fingers may also be used to indicate their turning. This is usually done only at night so that people do not notice their disfigurement.

Indicators: Indicator lights can be smashed as soon as the vehicle is bought. This minimizes the need to use the indicators and the battery charge can be saved thereby extending the life of the battery. Pre-smashed indicator lights are a preferred dealer installed option package on large vehicles like buses and trucks and of course autos, and low budget two wheelers. 

“U” Turns:  “U” turns may be done whenever felt like. Doing so when explicitly prohibited by a sign adds a new heightened thrill to the act.  When there is traffic or if it is safe to do so or not is irrelevant. If they felt like taking a “U” turn, they just do it. It’s all cool – they showed their little finger or big toe correct? Then it is a safe turn – why make such a fuss?

Parking: When parking the vehicle they first make sure that it does not cause any inconvenience for themselves or their family. Other road users can figure out for themselves. Basically the goal is to park as close to where they need to go regardless of whether it is the cause of a bottleneck in traffic or cause a traffic jam for everyone else.

Registration: Having vehicle number plates displayed is not advisable in India since the police could actually track people down for prior driving violations. Since it is not legal to drive without plates, make sure the plates rust in such a way that just the outline of the plates and something that looks like a number remains. This is the preferred option for cargo vehicles and trucks. If it is a fancy new vehicle with private plates the previous approach will not work. The nearest “rice writing” expert will be glad to write the registration number on a grain of rice in “Comic Sans MS or Times Roman” font and stick it onto a regulation number plate. Though costlier than the standard number plates this is a novelty plate and will make sure the vehicle stands out. The free magnifying glass provided by the rice writer will come in handy if there is a doubt while trying to locate the vehicle in a parking lot since this is getting really popular.

One Way Roads: On “One Way” roads, if travel is required in the direction indicated on the road signs then things are cool. If the direction of travel is in the opposite direction then either drive in reverse or just drive on the edge of the road – people are cool they will understand the driver is a cool dude who cannot be bothered to drive around half the city because of some stupid one way sign. Just show the peace sign while doing so re-affirms coolness.

Driving in reverse:  Ever since Tyrese Gibson acting as Roman Pearce drove in reverse in “2 Fast 2 Furious” every driver in Chennai has had a secret wish to drive in reverse. They do this every chance they get. Especially on divided highways where the spot for the “U” turn is over 10 feet in the wrong direction our local “Romans” drive in reverse to save a few drops of fuel and therefore save money and the environment. This skill in driving in reverse can also be used for “One Way” streets.

Stop Lines:  Those white lines perpendicular to the flow of traffic are markings on the roads to indicate the starting point for races with other vehicles.  The races are typically multi-segment races all on the same road, I mean track where cars, bikes, cycles, trucks buses can participate. The race starts when the “race” signal lights counting downwards flash “3-2-1-GO” just like in F1, NASCAR etc.  The objective of the race is to reach the next starting point capturing a good pole position. Each and every junction can start a race and our drivers live life “a quarter mile at a time”. Vin Diesel would be so proud if he only knew. Vehicles who have missed a favorable pole position indicate their frustration at a poor starting point by honking at those with a better pole position. Just like the 3rd installment of Fast & Furious featured drift races in Tokyo, Fast & Furious 5 will definitely be based in India and will feature these races.

Noise: Drivers have to keep sounding the horn as that is the only way their safety is assured as their brakes do not work. If someone is honking continuously please – understand they will not be able to avoid an accident unless given way to pass. There are no “no-honking zones” since it is not safe to drive without honking. Sick dudes/dudettes in hospitals should go away to remote villages or the mountains if they want peace and quiet. What will happen to them because of a million honks? They will wake up? Or die? Bah – humbug this whole silence thing is overrated!

Loud exhausts are usually due to mufflers rusting away to create the loud sounds. This is another safety feature as it minimizes the need to keep honking.  I wonder why people make such a fuss about loud exhausts. Only stupid people go pay money to get their exhausts louder and claim to have “tuned” their cars when all that is required is to encourage the natural rusting process. If rusting is not a natural process, people in such cities can resort to poking nice wide holes in the muffler or removing them altogether. It “adds” horsepower 😉 and lots of it and actually more of bull excrement than horse power.

Traffic Lights & Signs:  Obey the traffic signal lights when there are traffic policemen or designated /authorized people present and checking is going on. Otherwise the lights are there to add some color to otherwise boring roads and to kick off races. The amber light is not required at all – removing that from signals across the country would save a lot of power for India. The reds and greens are interchangeable after the cops go home till the time they get back on the beat.

Following Distance: As long as the front bumper has a hairs width gap from the rear bumper of the vehicle in front it is a sufficient gap. If the vehicle in front stops suddenly, the best approach is to loudly and repeatedly accuse the driver of the vehicle in front of “putting sudden brake”.  The person who was driving in front becomes at fault when those magic words are spoken.

Loading: Vehicles should be loaded as much as possible in all possible directions and as long as the vehicle can still move it is fine. Protruding objects like sharp iron rods can be marked by one tiny red hankie or if not found a tiny white polythene cover should do just fine. The sky is really the limit for vertical stacking. Two to three feet to the sides can also be used for loads. All those crazy people who build flyovers and run low cable/telephone wires across the streets need to get their heads examined. Why are they obstructing the free flow of load bearing vehicles just trying to make a living ?

Documents to be carried/ produced on demand: The person driving the vehicle is to always carry just one form of documentation in the form of sufficient amounts of cash in denominations of 10s, 20s, 50s and 100s. As long as this is present no other vehicle documents are required. When these documents are demanded by any Police officer in Uniform, Officers of the Motor Vehicles Department in Uniform or by any officer authorized by the Government, the driver has to start low and start handing out 10s, then 20s etc till such time the thirst of the person demanding the documents is satisfied. The higher the rank of the person demanding the document requires a paper with a higher number written on it to start.

Request: Please do NOT follow these driving practices as this is NOT the way to drive. If you drive this way please do NOT drive a vehicle and just take public transport or do not leave your home until you learn the official rules and really Drive Safe!

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Tata Xenon Copy Editing Fail

I went to the Tata Xenon Site today after seeing an ad on one of the automotive websites I frequent. I was just telling someone that the Xenon would be a hell of a sight with a roll bar, wide tires and whole bank of heavy duty rally type lamps on the roof and of course a high lift kit – just the thing scare a lot of cabbies/autos/bikers out of the way :-).  However looking at the site I may have to revise my opinion of the vehicle of being an “All Terrain  Conqueror” – the copy makes me think it is not a conqueror but a conquest. Click on the image to see the “fail”.

Tata Xenon Copy Editing Fail
Tata Xenon Copy Editing Fail

 

Dear Tata Motors,

       I tried to contact you with this but this resulted in another page that didnt work – another “fail”. Here is a screenshot of my attempt (I blanked out my email). FYI – The submit button doesnt show up on your site. Finally I still filled out a lot of info I didnt want to and then submitted. Hope someone reads it. Click on the image to see a larger version.

Tata Xenon Fail 2
Tata Xenon Fail 2

Regards,

Sushil

 

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